Our First Minefield: For our Sweet Baby Sam

Today marks the beginning of May, the month we would have welcomed our first child into our home. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with our second baby. And I am so, so thankful. But we haven't forgotten you Sam- our May baby.

I would have been 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby this past Monday. It would have been just 10 short days until baby Sam would have been here. In a little over a week, we would have finally been able to see our child face to face. Or perhaps the baby would have come early and we would already be holding him or her in our arms. Instead, Sam is with Jesus and I know in the depth of my soul that is infinitely better. Let's rewind...

August 31, 2013

It's a Friday afternoon and I just had this feeling so stopped by CVS on my way home from school and bought a pregnancy test. Bryan got home around the same time I did that day because we were going to go eat and then to my students' football game. I couldn't wait to take the test- and I couldn't wait to tell him some cute way when I saw the electric reader (yes I bought the fancy kind) say "pregnant"). He was in the other bathroom and I knocked on the door frantically, "come out here, I have something to show you!"

we were pregnant...

This is a day I may have dreamed about for nearly a decade ( always wanted to be a young mom)- the day my husband and I would find out we were expecting a little one. So many emotions went through my mind- excitement, awe, wonder, shock, and some worrying thoughts-"what if we have a miscarriage?", "what will people think since we've only been married a few months?", etc. I was full of so many things, including fear. Before I was married I had fear I would never get married. Now that we were married, I had fear we would never be able to have a baby, and now that we were expecting, I was almost immediately fearful that we would lose the baby. God has been speaking to me so much about fear lately. Fear does not please Him. It is the antithesis of faith. Our faith pleases Him (Hebrews 11:6). Why do I fear what I cannot control? What good can it do? 

Right after we found out the exciting news, we went to Austin to enjoy the 3 day labor weekend. We stayed in a precious bed and breakfast and got to see my brother, go hiking, kayaking, eat some great food and catch up with a couple of former students. We also spent time dreaming and brainstorming names and praying for our child. We hadn't shared our news with anyone yet, except the random girl we asked to take the picture above in front of the famous Jo's coffee shop in Austin. We thought it would be a great way to eventually share our exciting news! It was so hard for me not to share the pic with our families and my best friends right away! (I have never been very good at keeping secrets).

About this same time, after nearly a year of struggling to breathe normally (seeing various doctors and having many blood tests done- to check my thyroid, for cancer, allergies, asthma, issues with my lungs) we had finally gone to see an internal medicine doctor who referred us to a cardiologist. He thought I had a mitral valve prolapse and it turns out he was wrong about that but right in that I did have something wrong with my heart. I didn't have a mitral valve prolapse, but rather I had been born with a heart defect - a bicuspid aortic valve (BAV). My aorta was slightly dilated as well. Honestly, when he called to tell me the news, I didn't really think much of it. I was distracted by the thoughts of our baby, and very not like my usual self, I didn't really research. I just thought- well I've run a marathon, 5 half marathons, done sprint triathlons, played volleyball and generally been active my whole life- it can't be that big of a deal. It probably won't really affect me very much. I was wrong (but more on that later).

We saw my OBGYN and saw a heart beat at 6 weeks. We also told my parents over a Sunday lunch, giving them a cute "How can something so small inspire a love so grand" picture frame with the above picture and a caption of coming May 2014. The look on my mom's face was priceless. Then my worst fear came true. During my 7th week I started spotting. It wasn't much and many said it was normal (I scoured the internet doing research and talked to some friends). We called my OB and she said to come in for another ultrasound. We went in at 8 weeks and still heart beat- I was so relieved, I cried.  All my research had stated that if you see a heartbeat at 8 weeks the chance for miscarriage is significantly smaller. Bryan and I were so thankful God had heard our prayers, and I begin to believe that this baby would make it. However, a week and a half later- I was almost 10 weeks I had some really bad pain in my abdomen all day so we decided to go back to my doctor. I will never forget the look on her face October 10th when she told us that she was so sorry but she didn't see a heartbeat. I was shocked. She left the room and allowed us some time to cry and pray and mourn. She then came back in and told me my options- all scary to me at the time (waiting, taking a pill to induce the baby to pass, or surgery). We prayed over the weekend and cried. A LOT. And I questioned and wondered-" what if the baby is still alive?", "What if our doctor made a mistake?," "God can do a miracle! He can make a heart beat again!"

I had a dream- it was about Hannah (from 1 Samuel) and how she prayed and prayed and God gave her a son she promised to give back to Him and she named Him Samuel, which means "Asked for". I woke up thinking we were going to have a baby boy and that we should name him Samuel. I promised God if the baby lived we would name him Samuel. I read stories about Jesus raising Jairus' daughter from the dead with a single word, and I read about the many miracles Jesus performed.  I prayed like I have never prayed before, with as much faith as I had. "The things that are impossible with men are possible with God" (Luke 18:27). God brought me to John 15 and I claimed verses such as "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you" (John 15:5)..."by this my Father is glorified that you bear much fruit" (vs. 8). In my journal that day I wrote, "Father please do this. Please glorify yourself in this request. We will give you all the glory. I am afraid to believe. I don't know how to think Father. Please glorify yourself in my body."  I read "Now He is not the God of the dead but of the living, for all live to Him" Luke 20:38. I pleaded he would make our baby's heart beat again.

"Prayer is the open admission that without Christ we can do nothing. And prayer is the turning away from ourselves to God in confidence that He will provide what we need". Oh but how often what we need and what we want are two different things.

We went back to the doctor on Monday to double check and see if the baby really was gone- and our doctor had another doctor come in and both said there was no heartbeat. I felt a lot of things. Hopeless. Sad. Confused. And I begin to mourn all of the things I would never get to experience with this baby- our first baby. I thought of the immediate pregnancy things- silly things even like the fact that we wouldn't be able to use the baby, medium and large pumpkins I bought (for a baby announcement we were going to do something clever I saw on pinterest about adding a pumpkin to our patch). I would never get a true baby bump and I wouldn't be able to feel the baby move inside of me, or find out if it was a boy or a girl. And then I thought of everything in this child's life we would never experience- I would never get to see him or her this side of heaven, never hold Sam or feed Sam or sing to him or her. We would never get to see Sam take his or her first steps and learn to talk and read and grow and play, and one day go to college and get married. We would never get to celebrate a Christmas with this baby or really get to know him or her at all. Was our baby in heaven? What happens to babies who are taken before they are born? Did God hear my prayers? Was He really even there? Do our prayers matter at all? 

That Tuesday (our 4 month anniversary) I took a pill to induce miscarriage, and it was the most painful (physically, emotionally and spiritually) and horrible day of my life. It seemed like I was going through what I can only imagine as a mini labor- so much pain and many contractions for many, many hours- to pass the tiniest grape sized baby who had the tiniest leg and arm buds- all this pain to finally see our first son or daughter who we would never know, our baby Sam. That night I turned to Psalm 84, verse 11 has long been one of my favorites: "no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly". I tried to tell my heart to believe.

I struggled with one of the most intense periods of doubt in my life, especially when it came to trusting that God knows, hears, cares and loves me. I felt abandoned. I felt like when I prayed it didn't really matter. It was so, so hard. Also, we hadn't told many people about the pregnancy and so it was very, very hard to act normal and pretend everything was okay when we were both so sad. Our families, closest friends, a few coworkers and our bible study knew, but most of the people I came into contact with on a daily basis did not. My sweet students had no idea why they had an emotional wreck for a teacher. I cried when I saw pregnant women. I sometimes cried when I saw babies...With tears in my eyes I deleted the pregnancy app I had on my phone thinking of all the milestones we would never reach. 

But, God...

I always love those two words when they appear in Scripture together."But, God because of His great love for us, God who is rich in mercy made us alive together with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved" (Ephesians 2:4-5). Oh how I realize my desperate need for grace the older I get. We all deserve death. He gives us life. 

But God- He showed up. He put people into our lives to love us, pray for us, encourage us. He reminded us of truth. Friends brought food, called, prayed, cried. He gave us peace. He also graciously allowed me to know of a couple of dear friends who had also walked through miscarriage and been vulnerable enough to share that with me. I am so thankful for community. They were both so very encouraging and like a breath of life to me at the time. That is one of the reasons I am sharing this in a very public way. I want people to know so if they ever go through a miscarriage (and sadly, they are fairly common but many do not talk about them) they can know some one to talk to who may be able to relate. 

 I was tempted to be angry at God, but I wasn't really angry, I was more just sad and let down. I was tempted to ask, "Why?" when one of my friends encouraged me to instead ask, "Where can I see God working in the midst of this?" Another friend left a voicemail that was a powerful prayer and challenge to not let this suffering (so small compared to some people's suffering I know) go to waste and to allow God to use it. When we are in pain, God can use that pain as a megaphone.

Some things He taught me:

•  God always gives us a loss to protect us from a greater loss in the future. I've also heard this "God denies the lesser for the greater".  I prayed to God- I know He owned Sam. Sam was never mine. And He loves Sam so much more than I ever could have. Perhaps Sam would have not been able to talk or think or function- maybe he or she would have died at birth- I can never know why. But I can trust God, who knows all things. 

• The whole entire process made me love and respect my husband so much more. I wrote in my journal at the time "Thank you for my amazing husband. I have needed him so much the last few days. I see You in Him- the way he cares for and loves me- I see you in how he wept with me and has taken care of my ever need. I have never respected or loved him more. He has sacrificed, stood by, encouraged, prayed, led and spoken truth to me countless times. I am so thankful Bryan is mine- that you gave me this selfless, godly man to do this life with". I really believe one of the good things that has come from this experience is a depth to our marriage we wouldn't have known. We have already seen how marriage can be really tough at times and going through difficult things truly does bond you in a different way.

• God continues to teach me I am not in control and to let go of fearful, anxious thoughts and TRUST Him. God also used this to wake me up to the fact that I so desperately need Him and to be in His Word. There are many other things I could write here, but He reminded me of the sweetness it is to walk in dependence upon Him. "I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4. God reminded me that He owns all and nothing truly NOTHING (marriage, children, home, vacations, success) will fill the God shaped hole. I feel like I now hold a looser hand around my future children because I know they are not truly mine, they are not made to be worshiped and they will not fulfill me. Only God can satisfy.

• There are always things to be thankful for- we can always see His grace if we look for His grace. I was so thankful for both of our families who prayed and encouraged and called and checked in, friends who came around us, for our amazing coworkers (the couple who knew and offered support and prayers), our incredible doctor who truly showed compassion - and even counseled us to name the baby and write him/her a letter and truly mourn the loss. I was thankful for my students. Even though they didn't know what had happened, many could detect something was off and a couple of them even wrote me sweet cards or hugs.

• He gave me a small glimpse of what it means to suffer. This life is hard. Really, really hard. Jesus is not surprised- He said it would be (John 16:33). People die, cancer happens, marriages end with affairs, people who desperately long for children try for years and never can, people are engulfed by debt, children are abandoned in dumpsters, sold into sex-slavery, loved ones commit suicide, wonderful people who are not married long for marriage. Life is unfair. God has protected me from so much and I have so many things to be thankful for- who am I to even say I have suffered? I know it is not much compared to some, but suffering is a part of the universal human condition. If you are human, you either have suffered, will suffer or are suffering now. I once heard "Suffering is wanting something you do not have or having something you do not have". I heard a sermon from Rick Warren shortly after his son committed suicide, and he talked about the stages of suffering/grief: shock, sorrow, surrender, sanctification and then service. Although by no means am I an expert, I can now identify more with what it means to suffer- and to question and struggle and wonder. Suffering allows us to see the world more clearly- to focus on what really matters. At the end of the day, all I know is I need Jesus. I am a mess. This life is a mist- so short in comparison to eternity. We have forever to look forward to, but Jesus also wants us to be about His kingdom while we live here. If you do not know Him, I would love to talk to you about Him. I really do not know how people get through life without knowing Him and His promises. He saved this "good girl" from her prideful self. He has broken me and restored me. He has truly made "beautiful things out of dust" (great song by the way). 

A friend shared with me the lyrics to "This is my Father's World"- it is such a good song:

This is my Father’s world, and to my listening ears
All nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres.
This is my Father’s world: I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
His hand the wonders wrought.

This is my Father’s world, the birds their carols raise,
The morning light, the lily white, declare their Maker’s praise.
This is my Father’s world: He shines in all that’s fair;
In the rustling grass I hear Him pass;
He speaks to me everywhere.

This is my Father’s world. O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world: the battle is not done:
Jesus Who died shall be satisfied,
And earth and Heav’n be one.

God rules. We do not. He is sovereign and I cannot imagine a world any other way. I still struggle with fear, but I know I shouldn't because He is in control. He is good. He is strong and He loves us.  I wrote all of these things back in October, before I was pregnant with baby number 2, and I wanted to share then them- before I knew that God would answer our prayers for another baby, before our seemingly what we hope will be a "happy ending", but I never got around to posting them until now. We are so beyond thankful God has given us a second child, a baby boy, and I will write more about him later. He has a special story too. But even if God wouldn't have given him to us, He still would be good. His goodness is not dependent upon our circumstance.