Today was sharing day at BSF (
Bible Study Fellowship). BSF is an interdenominational, international Bible Study and it is amazing- you should check it out if you have never heard of it before. I first heard of BSF as a college student, and I have wanted to do it for many years. This year, as a first time stay at home mom, I knew I would have time to go to a day class (they have classes in the evenings as well), so I eagerly went to the first Welcome Class a couple of weeks before Caleb was born. I missed a few weeks when he first arrived and later when we were trying to sleep train, but overall I have tried to make it a priority to attend and to be in the Word. They normally place the kiddos in this great Children's Program, but there was never any room for Caleb in the baby class, so these last couple of months have been a little harder to attend, as he is not really liking sitting still and quiet these days. I really hope they have room for him next year.
I wanted to attend today to hear what God had taught others during this study and marvel at His faithfulness. So many shared about God being present and the power of prayer, and Him being faithful in the midst of cancer, loss of jobs, etc. God had laid something on my heart to share, but in the end, I ended up leaving early with Caleb and didn't get a chance to say it in front of the group. So I felt maybe I should write it here.
Do y'all remember that show, What Not to Wear? I used to watch it quite often in college and marvel at the transformation that took place by changing clothes, hair and make up. I also got tips myself- and made notes of things in my closet I should throw away or donate and how to better accessorize and pick out good pieces of clothing in the future. Well, I feel like studying the Life of Moses this year and the way he faithfully led the Israelites, a constant grumbling, fearful people, that I was reading, "What Not to Do" (on the Israelites' part) and "What to Do" (on Moses' part).
The two main lessons he taught me were
1) Fear/Anxiety vs Faith/Belief/Rest
2) Complaining/Comparing/Coveting vs Gratitude/Praise/Thankfulness.
As many of you know, I recently came out of a season full of fear. For over a year I had trouble taking deep breaths (almost like I was in a constant panic attack- it made daily living very, very difficult physically (I was exhausted) and mentally (I constantly was looking up things online and saw several doctors and no one could tell me what was wrong with me and I kept on convincing myself I had cancer and was going to die). When I finally got diagnosed with my heart defect, I was terrified. I had trouble accepting that I was different. I had run a marathon, several half marathons, played volleyball and many other sports. I thought I was "healthy", and it was very hard to accept that I was born with a bicuspid aortic valve. I didn't think much of the diagnosis until we got pregnant, and then we had a miscarriage. And then fear entered in even more. God so graciously allowed us to get pregnant again a couple of months later, and from the very beginning, I was full of fear, fear I would lose Caleb, fear I would die, etc. At one point, my doctor mentioned abortion because carrying a baby would put me more at risk due to my heart (aka she told me "I want you to know how serious this is. You could die"). It was bad. I had to see several doctors and specialists and have what seemed like a million ultrasounds run. And to top it all of, I had a really bad case of mono when I first got pregnant and fever every day for over a month. Then at some point they found a curious white spot on Caleb's abdomen in an ultrasound and thought he may have Cystic Fibrosis. It was seriously one opportunity to fear after another. I felt like I had to fight to enjoy my pregnancy mentally and emotionally and crowd out the voices of fear. When it got close to the end of my pregnancy, I would often think, "what if I die during childbirth? Should I write letters or make videos for Caleb?" So often I was full of fear, and I was like the spies who were sent in by Moses to view the Promised Land. Ten returned and said that there was no way they could enter the land- in fact, their message made their fellow brothers' hearts "melt with fear" (what a word picture). There were only two who believed: Joshua and Caleb. One reason we chose the name Caleb is because it means wholehearted and faithful- Caleb was faithful. He believed in God and His promises when others did not. There are major consequences for unbelief. The Israelites were not allowed to enter the Promised Land. They had to wander around the dessert for 40 years - it should have taken them 11 days, and it took them 40 years! And a whole generation died off and a new one was the one that entered with Joshua and Caleb. So, "What Not to Do"- be full of fear.....God says so many, many times, "Do not be afraid", "Do not fear", because He knows our tendencies to be fearful. But when we are fearful we are not trusting in God. We combat fear with faith. Faith is what pleases God (Heb 11:6). Thus, the first timely lesson from BSF this year was learning to put a death to fear and walk in faith. Having faith that everything is going to be alright means we embrace God's best- we know that no matter what nothing will separate us from His love (Romans 8:37). He is good. He is faithful, no matter if our worst case scenario happens or not. How I need to be reminded of this again and again. I want to be like Joshua and Caleb and BELIEVE God can do what He says He is going to do. I want to be a voice of encouragement to others and not a voice of fear. If we are fearful, so are others, and we must encourage them! I want to model a life of faith to my son, and not one of constant anxiety, fear and dread. And kids are so good at spotting a fake. They know the difference between one who really trusts and believes and one who is just saying the words. I need God to help my heart believe when I don't, and to replace my fear with faith.
The second "What Not to Do" lesson I learned was to stop complaining. What leads to all the grumbling in my heart? More often than not it is comparison and coveting- "we want and do not have". Rather that means I want to live in a different house (where Walmart didn't decide to cut down all the trees behind my back yard and build a Neighborhood Market-seriously a first world problem, but one that has made my heart discontent and been an opportunity to battle the want to complain daily), or have a baby who didn't cry straight for the first few months of his life, one that loved the car and slept (I have not had a full night's sleep in over 7 months, but Caleb is WAY better than he used to be, so I am thankful), go to a different church (we left the main campus of our church about a year ago and have missed our friends there greatly), be one of those women who instantly loses all her baby weight (I gained a ridiculous 60 lbs and a lot of it is sticking around), be one of those women who had a plethora of breastmilk and not had to start supplementing at 5 months, the lists goes on and on...I can compare and feel less than or that I am lacking or that God has some how held out on me- that He hasn't given me what I "deserve". And, when those thoughts come, we are in very dangerous territory. What do we deserve for turning away from God? Death. What has He given us in His Son instead- Life. We don't want what we really deserve. God takes complaining very, very seriously. People do drop dead- it is a BIG deal. God is holy. We are not. When I complain, I am not just rejecting the gifts God has given me, I am rejecting God Himself. That is why He didn't like when the people weren't satisfied with their bread from heaven (manna) and wanted meat, or water, or water again....He provided for them every single time. But their complaining hearts did not go unpunished. Habitual complaining is self destructive. It leads to constant discontent and a host of other sins. So how do we combat grumbling? With PRAISE. I want to cultivate a heart of gratitude. How could I complain about my very high needs baby, when God had given me a baby?!!! We had asked Him to give us a baby, and He did. We asked Him to keep Caleb and me healthy during the pregnancy and delivery and He did! How could I now demand him to be an "good" baby (I hate that we often call babies good who sleep, cry little, etc- it doesn't make them any more morally good- some just have a harder time adjusting to life outside the womb)? I want to be thankful and look for things to praise God for instead of look at things that I want and do not have. I saw a sign the other day that says "Gratitude changes what we have into enough". I think that is so true. How can I has a Christian communicate to the world that Christ is enough and my treasure if I am constantly discontent? It shows that something else out there is more valuable to me than Jesus. Oh to have eyes to see as He sees.
From Deuteronomy 30: "I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse.
So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the LORD your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days, that you may live in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give to them"
I want to choose LIFE. Life= faith, gratitude, trusting, obeying, being outward focused. Death= fear, comparing, complaining, coveting ,being inward focused. I know I have so many choices every day in what I think about and dwell on to choose LIFE or choose DEATH. I want to make it a practice of choosing LIFE. I want to be like Paul, whose joy was so deeply rooted in Christ that he was able to say, "to live is Christ to die is gain". I have a long way to go....I am so thankful God is not done with me yet. I am a mess.
The last study in BSF was on Moses' life well lived. For us to truly live a good life we must think about the end of our lives. What legacy will we leave behind? Moses left Joshua to follow in his footsteps. It is so important that we are pouring into the next generation- our children or students in general. We are not the point. We will die and our great, great, great grandchildren won't even know our name....God is the point. He is the END. Moses knew Him so personally- "face to face". This is the goal- to KNOW God and ENJOY Him forever.
