Our Sleep Saga, or Should I say Lack of Sleep Saga?

Our Sleep Saga:

This is probably going to end up being a really long post- I am writing this to share our story just in case it may help someone out there one day if they end up having a difficult sleeper or a more difficult baby than they imagined. So here is our very long sleep story:

Birth- 4 weeks
Caleb slept horribly in the hospital. He wouldn't stay asleep when we laid him in his little bed, so this resorted to me holding him on the boppy in the hospital bed (which I later found out wasn't allowed) when he was less than 24 hrs old trying to recline the bed to get some sleep (I had been there and in labor on and off for 48 or so hours, and I was super tired). I thought, "Oh no, this is a really bad sign that he won't sleep in his little bed", but sweet Bryan tried to encourage me and say we couldn't know that he wouldn't sleep well yet. When we got home from the hospital I did the whole rock n play thing, swaddle me, sound machine, in our room with black out curtains and he slept really well (3-4 hr chunks, even once a 6 hr chunk) until he was about 4 weeks old. He was a super sensitive sleeper and had to be tightly swaddled or he would startle himself awake and he was a SUPER fussy baby (look back and month 1 blog), but his sleep was okay. I was, however, super bummed we couldn't get any naked baby sleeping newborn pictures because as soon as we would unwrap and undress him, even if he was sound asleep (and kept warm by being outside), he would wake up. Even then- he didn't sleep soundly. I didn't panic about his sleep this early on though, as I thought it was fairly normal for a newborn. I did however think he may me fussier (i.e. screamed unless he was sleeping or eating for the first 6 weeks of his life) than the average newborn.

4 weeks-6 weeks
This was a crazy hard time and a blur. I do not remember much of it because he would wake up every 30 min- 1 hr at night and often times as soon as we would lay him back down, he would wake back up, too. Another culprit was the hiccups- those pesky hiccups would wake him up nearly every evening for a week or more. I was a zombie. Bryan was a zombie. I was desperate for some sleep and found the troublesome tots website (posted about this in the 1 month post) and decided to try the "varsity swing" technique. This saved our sanity and lives for a little while. The other thing I began to hyper focus on was "wake time", as I found out I had been keeping Caleb up for far too long of intervals in between naps (apparently it is a big "sleep" mistake many first parents make). I had incorrectly thought he would just fall asleep when tired.

6 weeks- 12 (ish) weeks
We knew sleeping in the swing was a short term solution and not ideal, but we were desperate. We asked our pediatrician and she said it was okay- she remarked he wouldn't go to college sleeping in the swing. This was a life saver for us- he slept good- 4-6 hr chunks at night (naps were never super consistent- sometimes he would nap an hr or an hr plus, but often still short, but that can be normal). We swaddled him in the miracle blanket and another blanket, had black out curtains, sound machine on high, did our soothing bedtime routine, put him to bed usually around, and he was doing pretty well. I had read several baby books including Baby Wise and Baby Whisperer, and really wanted to get Caleb on an Eat, Awake, Sleep schedule, which both books advocate. When he was about 6 weeks old I finally figured out a way to get him to go to sleep (for naps) without nursing him involving swaddle, paci and chanting AAAAAA while dancing, bouncing around the room (the things you do to get your baby to sleep). I would feed him then have him be awake for a short amount of time 45 min- 1hr (I got obsessed about what they call "wake time" as I knew it shouldn't be very long for young babies, and I really watched for his tired signals- rubbing his head, getting fussy). As soon as he seemed tired I would try to get him ready for his nap. His naps just didn't last that long, unless I was holding him or wearing him in the Moby wrap (this was my go to because I wanted to make sure he got sleep). I fed him every 3 hours (sometimes a little later and sometimes a little sooner depending on his mood). I also weaned off the nipple shield, and at this point Caleb started being a much more efficient eater. He went from taking 30-40 min to nurse per side to only 10 or so, and then only 5 and then only 3....He seemed to drain me super quickly and then never seem satisfied. But I was trying to follow this "program" I had heard such good things about from so many people and so I only fed him every 3 (ish) hours. I really wanted to work towards putting him down drowsy, but awake, but I had no idea how that was possible since he wouldn't even sleep when he was asleep when I put him down. I also had huge reservations about letting him cry it out at such a young age (I read some studies that scared me about cortisol levels), and I wanted to wait until he was 4-6 months to do some sort of sleep training, as I had read that is the ideal time to do so. I also was afraid if we let him cry, he would cry for hours upon hours because he had cried for over 45 minutes in the car before when we were driving, and never fell asleep. It was heart breaking. But deep down, I was still afraid he wasn't getting enough to eat, and I was so scared to supplement (I am stubborn and thought if my baby was demanding food, then my body should supply it- right? Isn't that how breastfeeding is supposed to work?) I also was fearful of trying formula at all because I heard it was a slippery slope and I didn't want my milk supply to decrease even more. Meanwhile, he hit 12 weeks and the sleep became horrible, even in the swing. No sleep can make a person crazy, especially some one with a -perfectionist bent, problem-solver, try her best, I can fix it - type mentality. I read, and read and read. I asked for a lot of advice, from friends and from our doctor. Here is a list, although maybe not exhaustive- of things we tried while we were trying to figure out this sleep thing for Caleb. Although many of these things did not work for us, perhaps one of them or some combination of them may help you get your baby to sleep one day.

From 12- 20 weeks or so we tried a plethora of things included but not limited to the following:

• consistent bed time routine- bath, story, lotion, massage, essential oils, nurse or bottle feed
• swaddling in multiple types of swaddles: swaddleme, halo sleep sack, miracle blanket, double swaddling, I even borrowed a friend's zipadee zip
• every surface imaginable: carseat, swing, bouncy seat, Rock N Play, Pack N Play, Crib
• every position imaginable- tummy, back, propped up in boppy (this was for a nap and I watched him like a hawk on the monitor)
• elevating the crib mattress
• humdifier
• sound machine 
• box fan
• black out curtains
• tried supplementing at first at the beginning of Jan (he was a little over 3 months) but it was horrible- he woke up 5 times that night
• letting him cry- waiting intervals and then offering paci
• letting him cry through naps- ended up HORRIBLE at night and so, so fussy all day long
• wearing him all day for naps so he would be well rested at night- sleep begets sleep philosophy
• putting him down to bed earlier
• putting him down to bed later
• gas drops
• Colic Calm
• Gripe Water
• Gerber Soothe probiotics (these helped A LOT when we first started using them)- I highly recommend them. They promised to reduce crying by 50% and Caleb really did stop crying as much when we started using them.
• we tried reflux medicine around 3 1/2 months for a little over a week and it did nothing noticeably different- we even tried it again a few weeks ago and it didn't help- maximum dosage, spread out over the day (given 3 times vs. twice)
• tylenol at night just in case he may be teething
• teething tablets
• I tried taking dairy out of my diet for 3 weeks and didn't notice anything significant either- and then that was hard because on top of being sleep deprived I had to think of/ look up/ research new recipes (thankfully some friends gave some tips)
• we tried doing the first round of sleep training just before he was 4 months- for about 10 days, we put him to bed awake and he cried for 20 min the first night, 13 the second, 10 the third, etc. then he went back up to 20- he did a little better at first some of those nights but then it got worse and worse again. During that time I was afraid to let him cry through his naps because the 4 times I tried it, he cried for an hr and then the rest of the day was horrible. I also still wrestled deeply with if it was okay to let him cry for so long and if I was really "teaching" him anything. So then I decided to wear him or hold him for every single nap for 2 weeks straight. Those were a really rough 2 weeks- but at least he got some sleep during the day- the night still not so much.
• we tried co-sleeping on several different occasions, but I could never get comfortable and would worry the whole time and it didn't work that well for us for the long term
• we tried putting a little (1 tsp per 4 oz) rice cereal in his bottle at night for a week- nothing changed
• for a period of time I would pump at night a couple hrs after he went to bed and then give him those 2 oz extra the next night in a bottle after I breastfed him- that seemed to help a little
• I tried things to increase my milk supply: lactation cookies, water, oatmeal (every single day), Mothers Milk Tea, Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, Motherlove More Milk Plus, pumping after every.single.feeding
• We tried putting him back in the swing at some point after our first sleep training round and he slept for 5 hours- that was the longest he had slept in like 8 weeks (and thus the longest I had slept in 8 weeks)- but it was a one night thing
• when Caleb started not eating well because of possibly teething, being distracted or his stuffy nose or maybe combo (he would especially have a hard time after we had gone on a trip and he would have screamed for 15-30 min in the car) I would feed him in the bathroom with the door shut and hot water running in the shower to create steam- for a few days at the beginning of Feb Caleb refused to nurse for more than a minute on a side and when I tried to offer a bottle refused to take it as well. At this point, I panicked because I knew he needed to eat, and Bryan suggested we finally call a Lactation Consultant.
• we tried Saline drops in his nose and the Nose Frida to get him to eat better when he was stuffy

I am sure I am leaving out something, but needless to say- we tried a lot of things. A. LOT. Pretty much everything I could think of and yet, he seemed to get worse, with the peak of his sleep issues occurring around the beginning of February (4 1/2 months). I felt like we had been in the newborn sleep stage for pretty much the entirety of Caleb's nearly 5 months. And because he wasn't sleeping, he was extra cranky-pants again. I got anxiety about going places, wondering how he would do once we were there. I used to plan any outings during nap time and would strap him to me in the Moby wrap and knew he would fall asleep, but that stopped working. Thus, I was afraid to leave my house. I tried leaving him in the church nursery but he was to upset and they couldn't calm him so they had to come get me. For a while, he wouldn't nap at all- unless we drove around with him screaming in his carseat for a while and he would finally doze off. Also during the night he would wake about an hr after we put him down and then instead of going back to sleep when I nursed him, he would stay awake for 1-2 hours. That was really hard. And then we would put him down and he would wake up again an hour or so later, and again, not go back to sleep after nursing.

I think the most humbling thing about all of this is I was used to being "good" at taking care of babies. I was a sought after baby sitter as a teenager- but it was easy then- because as a lady who recently spoke at my Bible study said- I was executing someone else's plan. I wasn't having to call the shots and come up with the plan on my own. This was exhausting. I felt like as long as we had another thing to try, there was hope. So for a while there, Bryan would look at me in the evenings, and say, "So what do you want to try tonight". Like we were trying to perform a scientific experiment, we took each suggestion and treated it as the variable, holding all other things constant to see if that one thing would make a difference. We would try each new thing for a nap time or two or a whole night or two or a week (depending on what it was) and then effectively cross it off the list as it wasn't the solution to our sleep deprivation. As we got to the bottom of our list, I was so distraught and honestly feeling quite depressed because I didn't have much hope of trying something else new or different that could help Caleb sleep well. I wrestled so much with this because sleep is so vital for little babies- arguably, as vital as good nutrition. What were we supposed to do? None of these things seemed to work for us, but I had just been trying them one at a time, maybe it was a combination of two or three, and when you think about it like that the combinations are nearly limitless.   It could take forever trying them all. There is also one thing that is certain when it comes to caring for infants: the only thing that stays the same is everything changes. As soon as you think you have them figured out, they hit a new stage and change. Their preferences can change over night. Thus, I thought maybe I should circle back to some of the things we had tried at first and see if they would work a few weeks later. We were the ones coming up with the plan, and we would pray and ask for wisdom, but I honestly didn't have any answers and often second guessed every decision I made as Caleb's mom. Sometimes I even wondered if God had given him to someone else would he be more content or sleeping better? Was I doing everything wrong? There were several days in a row at the end of January and early February where I lost it, multiple times a day. I would cry and Caleb would cry. I couldn't get him to nap at all anymore because the Moby wrap didn't work and my shushing and bouncing and walking around in a dark room with the sound machine running didn't work either. And I would lay him down and he would cry, and I would feel like a horrible mom for letting him cry so I would cry, too.

Around 20 weeks to present

Turning point:
Finally on Feb 9th, I decided to just let him cry for his morning nap because I didn't know what else to do anymore. I hated hearing him cry (again) but I decided to take a suggestion from the Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child book and start with the morning nap, around 9. He cried for an hour. So I went to him and tried to soothe him to sleep, and he slept in my arms but once I laid him down he woke up immediately, so I got him up and distracted him and tried again to put him down awake but very drowsy close to 1. He fell asleep after crying for 10 min, but he slept an hour and half. AN HOUR AND A HALF! Did you read that?! I couldn't believe it and was very hopeful, but tried to not get my hopes too high because I did not want to be disappointed if this didn't work again. I tried to put him down for a third nap and he cried all the way through that one, so I just decided to not really worry about doing a third nap. He was close to 5 months old at this point, so instead of trying to keep him up only for 1 hr to an hr and a half I decided I would try to keep him awake for 2 hours at a time. I also decided I would start feeding him more- I was okay mentally with letting him cry if I knew I had done everything- cleaned him, soothed him, fed him until he was full, etc. I felt cruel letting him cry if he was hungry (and I had always doubted rather he was getting enough to eat). I also had a lactation consultant visit me and she did a weighed feeding and found out Caleb only took in about 2 oz. Although he was still gaining weight (12 oz in 3 weeks since his 4 month check up) it still wasn't a lot of weight. He had started out in the 67% for weight and now was in the 20%. My doctor wasn't concerned about this, but I was. He may just be hungry and need more to eat. The lactation consultant suggested supplementing 2 oz after every feeding consistently. She also suggested pumping in the morning and before I go to bed.  I finally found something that seems to be working for Caleb. I do not think this is a magic formula because I do not think all babies can be treated the same way. They are all little individuals, and what works for one may or may not work well for another, but this helped us immensely. It is a combo of stuff I read from Healthy Sleep Habits Book, the Sleep Sense website and some of my own intuition for our son about what would work for him.

Summary of what things I now do differently- instead of an Eat, Awake, Sleep 3 hr schedule I do an Eat, Awake, Eat, Sleep Schedule 2 ish hour schedule (if he wakes before 2 hrs it becomes an Eat, Awake, Eat, Sleep, Awake schedule). I feed him 4 oz (alternate breast milk and formula) every 2 hours (our doctor recommended feeding him less, more often to help him not spit up as much). I put him to sleep with a clean diaper, on his tummy, in his elevated crib with the black out curtains, sound machine, box fan going, paci, lovey,  and humidifier running (at night). We also put him down earlier at night (in bed by 7).

This is our new schedule (that seems to be working for now, but knowing him as soon as I think I found the something that works, he goes and changes on me):

• Wake up sometime between 6 and 8 am - I nurse him and then we play, often go outside for a jog, read, tummy time, etc.
• about 1 1/2- 2 hrs after he wakes up I do a small nap time routine (change him, lotion, song, book, bottle-he has now become impatient with breastfeeding when he is tired which makes me really sad, but this was a huge difference- I had been brainwashed to not feed right before sleep but since I was trying this whole feed every 2 hr thing I decided to give it a shot). I then give him a paci and put him down when he is almost asleep but not fully. I put him on his tummy (I know this is a "no-no" but we have an angel care monitor (monitors movement/breathing) and a video monitor, my mom put us on our tummy and so did millions of other moms, he can roll over now both ways, this eliminates the need for a swaddle, and most importantly it has given him the gift of sleep and thus us our sanity back- I think it was more dangerous for him when I was losing my mind. I also felt better about his ability to self-soothe if I was letting him cry some, being on his tummy. This way he can scoot, move around, turn,  get comfortable, instead of being in a straight jacket on his back and just having to cry with no way of soothing himself, but that's just my opinion, and I know it is not the current professional recommendation). I also let him hold a lovey. 
• I then pump while he takes his nap. He has started sleeping anywhere from an 1-2 hrs!!!!
• I feed him when he wakes up (or close to 2 hrs from the last time he ate) and then he has an awake 2 hr stretch of time when we "play"
• Close to 1 pm (between 12 and 2) I do the same routine for his second nap and he usually sleeps from 1-2 hrs then as well- I pump during this time to try to keep up my milk supply
• We usually don't force a 3rd nap and just start bedtime routine around 6:30 so he's in bed by 7
• At night if he wakes and it hasn't been at least 4 hrs since his last feeding, we let him cry for 10 min and then go in and pat/offer paci, then 20 min, then 30 min, etc. He has cried (not screaming- more just fussing) for 2 hrs before (several times) in the middle of the night- once it hits the 4 hour mark since the last time he ate, I go in and feed him (nurse + bottle). I will feed him a max of two times during the night. He has made huge improvements from waking 3-5 times, but he still doesn't consistently sleep longer than 3-4 hour chunks. He has given us a few great chunks of time though, and for those we are so thankful. 
• During this "sleep training" I did not leave the house during his nap time or bed time, which was rough. 

Thoughts on supplementing: it breaks my heart. I took a breastfeeding class before we had Caleb. I bought a breastfeeding book. I spent tons of time on kellymom (breastfeeding website). I was all about going all-natural, breast is best, and being stubborn enough to make it work. I mean I tried everything- herbal supplements, pumping, feeding more often, lactation cookies, tea, etc. But every time I would feed Caleb since he was 2 months old, he seemed to drain me so quickly and never seem satisfied. He was gaining weight, but not a ton of weight, so I was so torn as to what I should do. I feel kind of like a failure, but at the same time, I am so thankful Caleb seems like a new baby. He has gained a lot of weight in the last couple of weeks and is more content and sleeping better (Praise the Lord!). I now pump an average of 4 times a day (because he doesn't want to nurse as much and often gets impatient because he is now used to the bottle) and I still breastfeed him in the morning. I just want to be able to give him some breastmilk as long as I can (up to a year). I am afraid I won't last that long, but I am trying to show myself some grace. It is really hard to pump while he is napping because that means instead of getting things done I have to "waste" nearly half his nap time sitting there pumping, but I know that it is so good for him. This wasn't my plan in the beginning, and I never thought I would have to pump so much as a stay-at-home mom, but I do feel like it has been helping him. I just hope I can keep the pumping up- it just isn't very fun. Right now I think he gets about half breast milk and half formula. I do feel a little more free and a little less worried, which is good. Before, I would never be able to leave for any length of time because nursing every 2 hours is a lot. Also, I would stress out if my tutoring time (5-6) was supposed to be a time when Caleb should have eaten when I was his sole source of food.  On a side note, formula poop and cloth diapers is way worse than breastfed poop and cloth diapers. The things you discover once you have a kid. All I know is next time I am going to try not to use the nipple shield and also not worry so much about a schedule for a while- and be more willing to feed on demand. It's just so hard in the beginning because when they are crying you don't know if it means if they are hungry or tired. I think in Caleb's case, poor baby, it was both for pretty much 5 months of his life.

All that to say, if you are a mom struggling with a baby who doesn't sleep well, do what you can to survive. I decided to write about our experience so you know you are not alone. I am so thankful for the internet and that we can have instant access to so much information and so many people's lives (we know we are not alone), but at the same time it can also be a dangerous thing when it comes to comparison (we can then feel alone/sad/depressed.etc). When you stare at all those babies on facebook or instagram who seem so happy all the time, you don't see all the moments. You don't see the screaming moments and the sleepless moments. You are not alone. Maybe you can learn from what we did or didn't do. I have so much compassion for you. I know what it is to feel sad, scared, uncertain, depressed (and knowing you shouldn't be because you have this beautiful baby and so much to be thankful for so then you also feel guilty for feeling depressed). I know what is feels to feel like a failure, lonely, and guilty because you have let your lack of sleep and your baby's lack of sleep rob you the joy of those first few months and comparison doesn't help. I know what it feels like to constantly feel bad when people ask, "How is he sleeping?", and you feel horrible for complaining, yet again, but you aren't sure how to answer because you want to be real and honest but do not want to only focus on the negative. Trying to be encouraging, every one always says, "They will out grow it", but that doesn't really help in the moment. In the very real struggle of being on your 50th night of no sleep, you hope that the day your child will magically "outgrow" it will be the next day. But it is true, your baby will not be a baby forever. The hope is we can teach them some good habits now. The hard part is figuring out how exactly to do that, and there are so many contradictory theories. None of us has it all figured out and there isn't some magic formula or golden ticket that works for ALL babies. I think at the end of the day we just have to pray God gives us insight and wisdom to do what is best for the little one He has entrusted us with. Being a mom and not getting sleep is hard work. I can only imagine how much harder it will be with more kiddos, or how much harder it must be as a single parent (Bryan is God's grace and goodness daily displayed in my life). I am sure I will look back at this season once we have another kid or two and think, man, that was a piece of cake, but for now, it is all I know and has been much more difficult than I imagined or I have seem to observe in my friend's lives with babies. Moms with 2,3,4+ kids, especially if they are all under school age, I am in awe of you. You have a very hard job, but a wonderful one.  One of my sweet friend's mom's has a theory that every child has a "rough" patch. If he/she is a hard baby, maybe that means he/she will be an angel teenager. It was the case for me- my mom told me I was a really hard baby, but I was a really obedient little kid and never went through the typical rebellious teenager phase. I have no idea if the theory pans out in everyone's case, but maybe it can give those of us with harder babies hope for the other stages of maturity. Maybe Caleb is just getting his hard stage out now and he will be a super sweet toddler and very obedient teen, but I'll try not to get my hopes up. Who knows?

God's Voice in this Struggle/Trial:


When we go through trials, again, I am reminded, as I was when we lost our first baby, not to ask, "Why?", but "What?", "What is God forming in me?" He has given me such grace and compassion for other mothers. He has humbled me so greatly. Just as a mother celebrates every single milestone her baby reaches, God is overjoyed when we grow and develop and mature into the image of His Son. When things are not growing, it indicates there is a problem. God uses trials to mature us, if we let Him.

John 10:10 says the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but Jesus has come to give us life and life abundantly. During these last 5 months of sleeplessness and difficulty, I have allowed the enemy to rob me of so much joy instead of allowing God to form in me true LIFE. The life that is available in Jesus and knowing Him and enjoying Him.

I recently listened to a Matt Chandler sermon (here) that was so, so good on trials. I highly recommend it because let's face it if you aren't going through one now, you will soon. He spoke out of James 1:2-5:

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of VARIOUS KINDS, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him".

So many things stuck out to me in the sermon, so seriously- listen to it. It doesn't take long (listen on the way to work or school), it may just give you hope. But one of the things that stuck out to me is Chandler talked about the various trials- what falls under this category? Well various means various- kid stages, marriage trouble, financial crisis, health issues, death, singleness, infertility, addictions, etc. It also says WHEN you meet these trials, not if. I have several times said being a Mom has been so much harder than I expected (I expected a newborn who didn't cry solid for the first 6 weeks of his life, and one that slept, sometimes). But, in reality I shouldn't have been so surprised. We will meet trials. Another place in the Scriptures (1 Peter 4), Peter says we shouldn't be surprised when a fiery trial comes upon us as if some strange thing was happening to us. We should view these trials and struggles as a pathway to maturity.

If we know we are going to be in a fight, we can be more prepared, and have a better chance of winning. Well, friends, the fight is coming. Satan is after your soul. He wants you to doubt God's goodness when things are going "bad" and forget Him all together when things are going "good". When trials come, we have to fight doubt and the temptation to compare. We doubt God's goodness and his presence and His "fairness". We also have to fight the urge to compare our situation to other's (stay off of instagram and facebook- apparently studies have shown that instagram leads to depression)

When everything in life seems to be going perfectly, we are so quick to take credit. I did this- I got my baby to sleep through the night. I got this promotion. I earned money for this new house, etc. I have worked so hard, I deserve _______. And as soon as things go poorly, it isn't our fault, but God's. "God, why are you doing this to me? I cannot believe this!" Our hearts are so wicked. We have to view trials as good because God gives us what we want, not what we need. In his sermon, Chandler tells this story of having to hold down his young daughter as she was getting a painful boil lanced. She was screaming the entire time, and as tears ran down his face, he had to lovingly hold her there as they lanced and drained her boil, for her good, to stop the infection, to save her life. In the same way, God is our loving Father, and He lets us go through things for a reason. He wants to grow us and produce in us the fruit of knowing Him- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22). He wants us to rest IN HIM.

Chandler uses this quote from A.W. Tozer. It is so rich. It is so good:

Here are two kinds of ground: fallow ground and ground that has been broken up by the plow. 

The fallow field is smug, contented, protected from the shock of the plow and the agitation of the harrow. Such a field, as it lies year after year, becomes a familiar landmark to the crow and the blue jay. Had it intelligence, it might take a lot of satisfaction in its reputation: it has stability; nature has adopted it; it can be counted upon to remain always the same, while the fields around it change from brown to green and back to brown again. Safe and undisturbed, it sprawls lazily in the sunshine, the picture of sleepy contentment. 

But it is paying a terrible price for its tranquility; never does it feel the motions of mounting life, nor see the wonders of bursting seed, nor the beauty of ripening grain. Fruit it can never know, because it is afraid of the plow and the harrow. 

In direct opposite to this, the cultivated field has yielded itself to the adventure of living. The protecting fence has opened to admit the plow, and the plow has come as plows always come, practical, cruel, business-like and in a hurry. Peace has been shattered by the shouting farmer and the rattle of machinery. The field has felt the travail of change; it has been upset, turned over, bruised and broken. 

But its rewards come hard upon its labors. The seed shoots up into the daylight its miracle of life, curious, exploring the new world above it. All over the field, the hand of God is at work in the age-old and ever renewed service of creation. New things are born, to grow, mature, and consumate the grand prophecy latent in the seed when it entered the ground. Nature's wonders follow the plow. 

So how is God using this trial and how has he used this "trial" in me? Well things are sweeter when you have to wait for them. You are more thankful when you have to go without and wait for things or when God says, "No" at first. If I had gotten married when I wanted to (right after college), it would have been easier to take Bryan for granted and to forget he is such a gift. If we hadn't lost our first baby, I wouldn't have been as thankful for Caleb's pregnancy. If we hadn't had such a hard labor and hard newborn days and gone with months without naps and sleep, I wouldn't see them as beautifully as I do now.

I have also learned in me there is a temptation to love based on performance. I am in a bible study called Motherwise that has been wonderful. And this past week, the author talked about giving your children three gifts: the blanket of unconditional love, the rope of boundaries and the bread of life (God's Word). I have already been tested in the area of unconditional love. It is much easier to love a baby who isn't screaming or one who sleeps like a champ. But this isn't what true love is. Caleb is God's precious gift to us and we are to love him simply because he is our son. He doesn't need to earn it by being "good". I am sure there will be others seasons when we are tempted to struggle with this performance based love- stubborn toddler, rebellious teen, etc. But I never, ever want him to feel anything but unconditional love from us. I don't want to love him more when he's sleeping well or being obedient and as a teenager when he makes curfew or the grade in class or as a young adult when he calls home as often as we would like. I want to love him wholly and completely no matter what because he is ours, and because that is the way God loves us, and as Malcolm Marshall, the minister who married us, says, "And there is nothing you can do about it." I will try our best to be a vessel for God's "Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love" (Jesus Storybook Bible). It is my joy and honor to be Caleb's Momma. It isn't a duty, it is a delight.

at the end of the day I get to be this little boy's Mommy

and I am oh so thankful

His grace is sufficient for us (2 Corintians 12:9)....great song by Shane and Shane by the way: