Resurrection Eggs and The Gospel

Spring is here! The sun is shining. The weather is so beautiful I cannot help but want to be outside as much as possible every day because I know soon enough the temperature will be approaching 100 and we will not be able to last very long without being in the shade.

But these last few weeks have been so incredibly glorious. We had a rough winter. Sickness invaded our home which was especially concerning with an infant and it was actually cold and rainy (and even snowed a couple times) for once in Houston so it wasn't as easy to open the backdoor and tell the boys to go outside and play. Spring is sweeter when you've been through a "real" winter.

Spring also means Easter is just around the corner. How can the holiday that celebrates the very cornerstone of our faith sometimes be an after thought for me? Paul boldly proclaims in 1 Corinthians 15, if Christ was not raised, we are above all men the most to be pitied. The resurrection is the very crux of Christianity.

As a mom of littles, I want to communicate Easter is more about Jesus than it is about bunnies and candy and easter egg hunts (all of which we love). I am so thankful for the internet and also a community of moms through church and online that are like-minded. I stole some ideas from others the past couple of years with the hopes of communicating to our sons that Easter is a really big deal. It is about our Savior and the fact that He conquered sin and death and that because of that we have hope for eternal life! (Huge concepts to communicate to a 3 month old, 2 and 3 year old...maybe I am a little ambitious, lol).

Buy them here

1) Resurrection Eggs
We started doing Resurrection Eggs a couple years ago. Caleb didn't exactly "get it" when he was 18 months old, but we tried anyway. And hopefully, year after year the things we do will help all of our kiddos to understand who Christ is and what He has done.

Google Resurrection Eggs or look them up on Pinterest to see how to create some yourself. You can also buy the set (that comes with a little book) on amazon. There is another book that we read in addition called Benjamin's Box that follows along with the eggs. There are several ways to do them, but we open one each day for the 12 days leading up to Easter. Each egg has a symbol (donkey, coins, cup, etc) that represents something from the last week of Christ's life on Earth. There is Scripture to read each day as well.

This morning we opened up the egg that has the coins. The coins represent Judas' betrayal of his friend, Jesus. He was content to out Jesus to the officials for some cash. I found it a little challenging to explain the concept of betrayal to the boys. I tried to use a concrete example and said to Caleb, what if David told me ("bad" guy) where you were because I gave him something he really wanted (a favorite toy). But, I don't think he quite understood. It got me thinking...how often we give Judas a bad rep. I think, Judas! How could he!???

But am I like Judas more often than I care to admit? To I follow Christ because of what I can personally gain (a "good" marriage, friends, community, "well behaved" kids, etc) or do I follow him with the knowledge that it may cost me my life. In fact, true discipleship is always costly. It may not mean I give my physical life for the cause of Christ, but it surely should mean I lay down my life (my hopes, ambitions, desires, dreams, goals, my very SELF) at the foot of the cross and I come away with Christ, who is my new life. Oh, how easy it is for me to get side tracked and start living this life for the things I can see instead of the things that I cannot, which are more real, as they are eternal.

Got these at Hobby Lobby last year

2) Rocks as an Object Lesson for Sin

I am not very good at having original ideas. As much as I sometimes am fearful of our technology advanced world and what that means for the impact on my sons' brains, I am also incredibly thankful for the abundance of ideas out there. Why recreate the wheel if we don't have to? I read about this on God-Centered Mom's blog last year and thought it was such a powerful illustration! The idea is to speak with your kids about sin the night before Easter. A helpful definition is sin= choosing my way over God's way.

Sin (in greek is harmatia) and it literally means missing the mark, as in shooting an arrow- any miss of the target no matter how close is a sin. If you think that you are "good enough" to go to Heaven or to have a relationship with God then I question, how good is good enough? If God's standard is perfection, no matter how close we are on a ladder, we are still rungs beneath Him. Hitler may be at the bottom, Billy Graham may be closer to the top and we may be somewhere in the middle, but we aren't there. None of us is perfect.

Romans 3:23 speaks how we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

You have the kids think of some sins they struggle with (whining, fighting, disobeying, etc) and write them down on rocks. Then you put the rocks in their baskets.

On Easter morning, you have a basket labeled "Jesus" and put all the rocks into that basket and in the place of the rocks in their individual baskets you put gifts. This demonstrates the gospel- Jesus took our sins and gave us life instead.

3) Resurrection Rolls (or Hot Cross Buns)
We did this the last couple of years as well. You bake marshmallows in crescent rolls dipped in butter, cinnamon and sugar and the marshmallow melts leaving behind an "empty tomb". The first year we did this, Caleb then tore open every piece of bread he ate for weeks after and kept saying "Jesus isn't there!"

If you're like me at all, things like these ideas and others on Pinterest are a double-edged sword. On one hand, they are great and encouraging and you're thankful to add some of these into the rhythm of your own family, but on the other hand, it can sometimes feel overwhelming. It's easy to look at all the ideas and think, "I have to do all of these things to be a "good" mom!" Silence that voice. We are all uniquely created by God. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, and what we do or do not do does not define us. You are free! So if these ideas (other's ideas, not my own and if you're in the Christian bubble at all, you've probably already heard of most or all of these) are helpful, run with them! If not, keep eating all the candy and being thankful for Easter morning.

This is the Recipe I've used.

4) Ideas for Easter Basket-
-Swimsuits, towels (got my boys these shark poncho towels this year), sidewalk chalk, bubbles, any summer activities, etc
- books are always a great thing to add
-puzzles
-coloring books, Melissa and Doug Water Wows, those special markers that are "mess free", etc
-Bibles/devotionals/DVDs that can help them "grow" with God as they continue to get older

This year we bought the Bible DVD and I'm excited to see if they like it as much as they did the DVD we bought about the Christmas Story.

Judas again....
Today after leaving the park with friends, I noticed my gas tank was almost below E (oops!). So I pulled into the first gas station I saw and realized I did not have my wallet! I left it in my tutoring bag from last night. After panicking for a moment and mentally scanning through my options, I decided to drive back to the park and beg my friends to let me borrow some money to be able to get home.
I explained to the boys that we had to go back to the park and that we were going to borrow some money. To which Caleb happily replied, "Like Judas in the Bible!" (clearly we need to work on explaining this story a little more). I said, "Not exactly, bud. Judas was paid money to tell the soldiers where Jesus was. Our friends are being kind and letting us borrow money so we can get gas to get home."

Minutes later, we were back at the gas station, my friend's credit card in tow. My heart was filled with immediate relief when I saw the word "approved" on the gas tank after I correctly entered in her zip code.

Friends, this is the Gospel. Jesus has paid for our sins. And because of his gift, we are approved unto God. I could have gone in to the gas station and begged them to let me fill up my tank. I could have listed out all the reasons why I deserved their help (I have 3 little kids, I'm a "good" person, I can pay you back, even) but I didn't have any way to pay, so I could not get the gas to go home.

Without Jesus, we have NO WAY TO PAY. We are poor. Our righteousness is filthy rags to Him. If we want to go home, we have to use His credit card, if you will. We have to acknowledge that He lived a perfect life. As the Son of God He willingly laid down His life and paid for our sin (as Caleb likes to say "He took our spankings") when He died on the cross, and that 3 days later He conquered death when He rose again.

I often miss the gospel when I attempt to pay myself. I think, if only I do this, if only I could earn His favor someway, then He will approve of me. But friends, this is religion. This is works based theology. The good news is that He has already paid for us. We accept His gift of grace not based on merit at all!

Though this gift, this credit card- it isn't cheap. Jesus paid with His life. Now imagine in my story above, if I kept my friend's credit card for the rest of my life and constantly used it to charge whatever I wanted without consulting her. Even more, what if I never spoke to her again! True salvation isn't a one time swipe of the card, but a daily relationship and walk with Him. We fail continually, and ask for His forgiveness again and again, but we seek to consult Him, we commit our lives to Him, we care about what He cares about. We love what He loves and hate what He hates. We want to live a life that is pleasing to Him because He loves us.

But how often do we miss the full picture? When we think of salvation as a one time prayer, a one time payment and go on living the rest of our lives for ourselves, we miss it. We miss all the things God has for us in Christ Jesus. I can so easily get off-track. But, I am so thankful for His promise to bring what He started to completion (Philippians 1:6). And oh for grace and wisdom to be able to explain this beautiful mystery to our boys and that they would believe and have eternal life (John 3:16).

Ethan's Birth Story 12.18.17

Here we are 3 months in, and I am finally making time to write down Ethan's birth story, but #thirdchildproblems, right?

For those of you who have known me for a while, you know my history with long/difficult labors- (read Caleb's story here and David's here) and that I had high hopes of being able to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarian) this time around.  God, however had different plans.

I changed doctors from my high risk doctor in the med center to someone who is supportive of VBACS and much closer. I brought my lists of questions to ensure we were a good fit. I wanted to make sure she wouldn't force me to be induced on or before my due date, that big babies wouldn't scare her, that my heart condition didn't scare her, etc. I had a great experience with Dr. Miller, and I would still recommend her even though things did not go according to my plan.

Back story:
On the first trimester screen test, a test we almost didn't do (and sometimes I wonder what if we had declined) a level of mine called PAPP-A came back low. At the time, I didn't think it was a huge deal, but as my pregnancy progressed I realized the "rules" had changed for how my doctor wanted to deal with me. Those with low PAPP-A have a higher risk for stillbirth, low birth weight, restricted growth, preeclampsia, etc and due to those risks I had to get weekly ultrasounds (Biophysical Profiles) and weekly non-stress tests to monitor Ethan beginning at 32 weeks. Between our packing and moving and having to drag 2 toddlers to every single appointment, it was exhausting to say the least. It was also reassuring because each time they said he looked good, with the exception of one time where my doctor made me go back to the hospital later that night for more monitoring. I was getting close to 36/37 weeks when I asked my doctor again about how long she would let me go before being induced (she said 41 weeks originally). And she said, "oh no, you have low PAPP-A, the recommendation is to deliver at 38 weeks". I was shocked and there may have been some (or a lot) of tears shed. I thought the reason we were doing the weekly tests was to make sure he was doing okay, and that I could still let him stay put until 41 weeks as long as he was looking good on the tests. I did not want to go through another c-section, and I knew that being induced when Ethan and my body were not ready at all only increased that chance. All that to say, after many questions and weighing pros and cons, Bryan and I decided to wait a little longer to see if I would go into labor naturally. The other tricky thing was that my due date was December 22nd and my doctor was off the whole week before Christmas. If I were to go into labor and show up at the hospital, I could get stuck with a doctor who wasn't a fan of VBACs and would simply say I would have to have an automatic c-section. It was an agonizing choice. We prayed and talked about it again and again trying to weigh the pros and cons. We finally decided we would never be able to forgive ourselves if something happened to Ethan, so we waited until the last possible day my doctor would still be on call (Monday, December 18th) and went to the hospital to see if we could get labor started.

I had tried all the things, and I mean ALL the things to see if I could make him come on his own (pumping, pineapple date smoothies, eating tons of dates for weeks before, walking, spicy foods, eggplant parmesan, seeing a chiropractor weekly for the last trimester, bouncy ball all day long, etc, etc) but nothing seemed to help. My dream was to go into labor naturally and have one of those amazing birth stories, and I tried everything in my power to make that happen. A theme in my life over the last several years is I try to do all the "right things", and I don't get the outcome I want in the end. Unlike school, where I could follow a formula, study, prepare and ace the exam, this whole life as an adult is much more complicated. Sometimes we prepare and research and try and fail again and again. God, in His grace, has allowed me to do so. He has broken my pride again, and again (especially through Caleb's colic/fussyness, hard first 5 months of life that no book I read prepared me for). I can read all the how-to books, the suggestions, the blogposts and still come up with the less than desired result. God is obviously trying to teach me a huge lesson about control and pride and ultimately the Gospel: the beautiful truth that I cannot EARN His favor. He gives it freely. That is what grace is (Ephesians 2:8-9). It is just taking quite a few tutorial sessions for this "good girl" to understand her desperate need for His grace. I can pray and pray, and He can say no. But, I digress....

We show up early (5 am) on Monday morning and Dr. Miller's plan was to place a foley bulb in to start to soften and dilate my cervix. She couldn't use cervadil like my previous labors because of my prior c-section. I was super afraid, and it was incredibly painful, but when she was feeling around in there she realized I was actually already 3 cm dilated! Praise Jesus!!! I was SOOOOOOO beyond excited and thought, maybe, just maybe this would actually go smoothly this time around. Third time is a charm, right! She breaks my water and we hope that this will kick labor into gear without pitocin (using pitocin increases chance of uterine rupture when attempting to VBAC). I wasn't progressing much, so they began pitocin and I labored for a few hours. I asked for wireless monitoring and walked the halls as much as I could. I used the peanut ball. I bounced- I wanted so badly to make this thing work. I would've loved to try to labor without an epidural, but my sweet labor and delivery nurse kindly pointed out that if I did need a c-section it would be much easier if I had an epidural as then they wouldn't have to knock me out. So around 1:30 pm or so I got an epidural. I was 5 cm dilated and I was finally able to get some rest (we hadn't slept much the night before). At 3:00 pm, a group of about 5 nurses barge into my room. One is talking to Dr. Miller on the phone, they turn me over and make me get on all 4s, trying to find Ethan's heartbeat. Another gives me a shot in my upper arm and tells me this will stop my contractions. Another tells me we are having trouble finding your baby's heart rate (it had been extremely low for 10 minutes straight) and that they were going to ask Dr. Miller what to do. Then quickly the on call doctor is in the room and talking to Dr. Miller on the phone and saying she can start and prep me while Dr. Miller is on her way. They tell me the words I so had not wanted to hear, "we are going to take you back for a c-section now".

My eyes spilled over with tears. My body had failed me once again, but this time I wasn't crying because I was upset about the c-section, I was crying and pleading with God that He would spare Ethan's life. I was so afraid that we were going to lose him. I didn't care what they had to do to me, I just wanted my son to live. They rolled me back into the brightly lit, sterile OR, put up the sheet, kept wiping me with wipes asking "is this cold?" to test for feeling, telling me it was going to be okay. I heard Dr. Miller's voice and was full of relief. She got there in time! Bryan came in all dressed in scrubs and held my hand. They called out the time: 15:19 and I felt tons of pulling and tugging and pushing on my belly and then, finally at 15:23, our third son was lifted out of me. It was the longest 4 minutes of my life. Hearing his first cry brought relief to this Mama's heart like none other. He was here and he was healthy. As they were stitching me up, Dr. Miller told me she was sorry it didn't work out how I hoped, and she even said if I am brazen enough we can wait a couple years and try again (we have yet to decide if our family is complete yet). I was able to hold Ethan for a little bit and got to have him on my chest when they rolled me into recovery. The smallest of our boys, he was 7 lbs 8 oz and 20.5 inches long and absolutely perfect. We have no idea why his heart rate  was down for so long. The fear was that my uterus was rupturing since his heartbeat had been below 100 bpm consecutively for around 10 minutes. Some decelerations are normal (Caleb had many and the cord ended up being around his neck), but the medical team was fearful since his heart rate had gone low and stayed low and did not want to risk it with a VBAC.

Later that day, Bryan told me when he was putting on the scrubs to come into the room he saw another dad outside. Somehow they struck up a conversation and the dad had asked if we were having a boy or a girl. Bryan said, "A boy, how about you?" and he said, "My baby didn't make it." His wife had carried the baby full term and had noticed less movement and when they came in, they couldn't find a heartbeat. And just like that, they lost their first child. Bryan wept with this man, and asked if he could pray for him.

Three months later and I still cannot think about that poor sweet couple without tears filling my eyes. The kind of grief they are experiencing seems almost too much to bare. Even imagining what it would be like for a second cripples me. I decided right then, I wasn't going to complain about not getting the birth story I wanted. I wasn't going to complain about being cut open and having to endure a more difficult recovery with two toddlers and stairs in our new home. I was going to be thankful. God spared Ethan's life and mine. Sometimes it is helpful look at the big picture and gain a little perspective.

I've said it before and I will say it again: comparison is the stealer of all joy. Sometimes I still have to fight that tendency: to compare the story God wrote for me to the one He wrote for others. But going down that road always brings discontentment. Let's choose to dwell on the good. Let's choose to think about the many things He has given, the many prayers He has answered instead of the few He has not (the way we thought we wanted, anyway). Let's choose to count our blessings, to tell Him why we are thankful. I have found that gratitude is often the vehicle through which contentment comes.

One of the very positive things about what happened was we had a baby in record time of showing up at the hospital (our other two, we had to be there for almost 2 days before we even had them and that was exhausting!). This time, we got to go home on Wednesday! We only had to spend 2 nights there! But then a week later, after going to the ER for severe swelling, shortness of breath and chest pain, I had to be readmitted due to high blood pressure. They ran several tests (mainly because I have a heart condition) and gave me a magnesium drip and blood pressure meds and finally were able to send me home after a couple of days when my blood pressure finally came down. Sadly we had to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day away from our big boys, but in the end, we made it. I took the medicine for 6 weeks and then stopped and so far, so good.

Ultimately, like Dr. Miller kept telling me, our goal: healthy mama, healthy baby. And for that, we are so beyond thankful.

(newborn pics done by the incredibly gifted Kate Miller)

Lions, Tigers and Bears...Blow Outs, Flat Tires and Traffic Oh My!

For the last couple of months both of the big boys have been asking almost daily if we can go to the zoo. We have patiently waited until Ethan was a little older, the weather was actually good, Bryan could take a day off and everyone was well. Finally, today was the day! I packed lunches last night and this morning we woke up early and got everyone ready. We were hoping to get to the zoo when it opened at 9. As the boys walked outside and hopped in the van, with big smiles on their faces, they began to debate which animals they wanted to see first. I finished up feeding Ethan and came out to Bryan walking in and saying, "We have bad news. There is a flat tire."

Y'all, I seriously almost cried. I know that a flat tire is really not a huge deal. There are a million other things worse than a flat tire, but I just hated to disappoint my kids. I hated to tell them our plans would have to change. The boys began to lose it saying they wanted to go to the zoo. We spent a few minutes trying to problem solve (do we change the tire now and then go get it fixed and delay our trip a couple of hours or so, hit traffic and possibly miss nap time or do we attempt to load all 3 carseats into the Accord?), we decided on option 2 and miraculously fit our 3 seats across (hopefully safely)! Traffic wasn't horrible on the way there, but it took us at least 35 minutes to park, during which Ethan screamed the entire time and the big boys repeatedly said they wanted to get out and see the animals. I don't know what was going on at the zoo today, but parking was especially crazy (though the zoo itself wasn't so crowded...it's a mystery). By the time we parked, I fed Ethan, Bryan changed David's horrible blow-out of a diaper(the first one he's had in months) and we then got  hands cleaned and the boys a snack it was an hour and a half after we originally got to the zoo. Going anywhere with 3 little ones takes a while, but this morning I felt like it took all of the energy we had-seriously 1.5 hours from when we arrived we finally stood in front of the Elephants.

Sitting 3 across

All that to say, so many delays happened this morning: flat tires, car seat rearrangements, parking delays, blow out diapers, snack requests, feeding the baby, the list goes on and on. I kept thinking, "Okay, Lord I know we can trust you!" Even on the way to the zoo as I prayed, I thanked God for the delay trusting that He was good in it. When our expectations and reality don't match up, we end up disappointed and I often have to fight that urge and remember to look at the big picture.

As we walked from exhibit to exhibit in a slightly different order than we normally do, we found ourselves in front of the Lions. And in all of my years visiting the Houston zoo, we actually saw the male Lion! I have to admit, I got as excited as the kids and tried to make our way closer to see. It was amazing to see him walking back and forth in front of the glass. The zookeeper even said it was incredibly rare (she said it almost never happens) for him to come out with people there! It was a special treat. And later I got to thinking....if any of those delays (which I realize are completely first world problems and minor inconveniences compared to many things people deal with) wouldn't have happened, then we wouldn't have found ourselves in front of the Lion exhibit at the exact time the Lion decided to come out and show himself. What a cool thing to be able to see! And what a gift.

The Lion!

Perhaps God has you in a place of delay, or disappointment. Maybe, just maybe He is waiting because He is wanting you to be able to see the Lion, namely Jesus, who is called the Lion of Judah in Scripture. Maybe He is saying, "not yet" because He has something greater to show you. Just as He didn't grant Mary and Martha's request to come and heal their brother. He delayed, purposely 2 whole days SO THAT Lazarus would die. The sisters grieved. Jesus wept. And then He showed His glory immensely by raising Lazarus from the dead! He always denies the lesser for the greater. I have to be reminded of this so often. I have to be reminded it is not about me and my plan. Rather it's something as small as a flat tire or as big as a delayed answer to prayer for healing, God knows what He is doing. He is all powerful and infinitely wise and worthy of our praise.

"But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord. I say, 'You are my God, my times are in your hands.'" Psalm 31:14-15

They always want to see "Dee Dee" (aka Dory)

Ethan's First Zoo Trip

sleeping babies melt my heart

That's a wrap

Can I see?

"Can I see?", a question I get asked quite often by my sweet 3 year old. The most recent of which occurred on the way to story time this morning. We had some overdue library books to return and Caleb asked me if we remembered to bring them. I told him we had and that they were in the front seat by me. To which he replied, "Can I see?" I explained to him that I was driving, but when I came to a stopping point I held them up so he could see from the backseat and he was satisfied. Mom had indeed told him the truth. The library books sat in the front seat waiting to be returned. And this got me thinking about the many times he asks this question. Most often it has to do with food (specifically chips) when I tell him the bag is empty or there are no more he asks to see as if we are some how not being honest with him or dare I say keeping some for ourselves? No one told him ask this question. He came up with him all on his own and I think that has something to do with the intrinsic idea of faith. Does he take us at our word? 

As a follower of Christ, I have been so careful to be true to my word with my children because I know how I parent will affect their view of God, the Father and His Word. Sometimes I mess up, but for the most part if I say something, to the best of my ability, I follow through. I want them to know they can trust me, and that what I say will happen. So I stop and think before I promise something, and if I say I will read a certain book after nap time for instance, you better believe Caleb remembers. As soon as he wakes up he asks for that book. When Caleb first asked me the question, "Can I see?", I have to admit I was a little hurt. How could he not believe me? I am his Mom! Have I lied to him before? Does he think I am holding out on him? And this morning when Caleb asked me the question I felt God whisper in my soul....this is how I feel when you ask me, "Can I see?". You aren't trusting me. You are not taking me at my Word.

One of my most favorite accounts in Scripture is of a royal official who comes to Jesus pleading with Him to heal His son. When Jesus tells him his son is healed, the man just takes Him at His Word and leaves. What faith that man had! 

So Jesus said to him, 'Unless you see signs and wonders you will not believe'. The official said to him, 'Sir come down before my child dies'. Jesus said to him, 'Go; your son will live.' The man BELIEVED the word that Jesus spoke to him and went on his way. As he was going down, his servants met him and told him that his son was recovering. So he asked them the hour when he began to get better, and they said to him, Yesterday at the seventh hour the fever left him. The father knew that was the hour when Jesus had said to him, 'Your son will live. ' And He himself believed, and all of his household. John 4:48-53

Oh, how I long to be one who takes Him at His word and leaves. 


"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."
 Matthew 5:8

Pure here means purified by fire, sincere, genuine. It makes me think of the story of the refiner's fire. The metal is continually dipped in the fire and the silversmith knows it is complete when he can see his reflection in it. Sometimes this whole battle of fear feels like it will never end, but God purifies us through trial. And as He does, we will be able to SEE Him (behold Him) and He will begin to see more and more of Himself in us as we yield to His Spirit in us. He must become greater, we must become less (John 3:30). 

So when Caleb asks me, "Mama, can I see?" I patiently show him (prove myself) just as Jesus did with Thomas. Thomas wanted to see the holes himself and Jesus showed him, but replied "Because you have seen me, you believe. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." (John 20:29). But I want my son to simply believe me because I love him and I am telling him the truth. I want him to trust me, and I know our faith is what pleases God. 

If you are in a place where you are tempted to wonder if God is indeed telling you the truth, if His Word can be trusted, or if He is perhaps holding out on you (Psalm 84:11), remember He is good. He is our Father and we can take Him at His Word. Faith becomes our sight: when we believe, we do  often get to see (if not this side of heaven, I know we will see in full there). Perhaps the way we battle fear is by asking Him to give us eyes to truly see Him, see others and ourselves as He does. I encourage you to walk by faith and not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7). Take the next step and watch Him provide! If He can show you, as He did with Thomas, He will, but sometimes He may not be able to show you what He is doing yet. He may be working on things behind the scenes and they just are not ready to be unveiled yet. But hold on, when He comes to a stopping point (like I did while driving this morning) He may be able to show you. Continue that walk because He is true to His Word and He loves you.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it, the men of old gained approval....and without faith, it is impossible to please Him, for He who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." Hebrews 11:1, 6

When God Speaks

He will quiet us with His love

I remember years ago hearing someone talk about how when God created the world He chose to speak everything into existence (aside from man, which He formed with His hands). Think about that. He could have done something else, but He chose speaking as His primary agent for creation. Christ is also known as the Word. And He is speaking still, if we choose to listen and make space in the midst of all the noise of our lives to hear Him.

Some friends of ours have been encouraging listening prayer a lot lately, and at Bible study this week it was a girls week and we sat and listened. Except for one thing...I have a newborn. A sweet, adorable (and yet sometimes hard to calm) baby boy. I had a hard time not hearing his screams so I went downstairs to get him from Bryan and sat in a room by myself nursing our baby, hoping he would calm down.

As I sat there, I thought there is no reason why I cannot talk to God here in this room, alone instead of the room next door where everyone else is. I asked God if there was anything He wanted to tell me and He so beautifully spoke to me in the way He often does- analogies.

The words daughter and"self-soothe" came to mind, immediately followed by quiet and then two passages of Scripture.

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17

As a girl growing up in church, this is a very familiar passage of Scripture. I have often focused on the fact that God sings over us, His daughters, but that night I focused on the phrase I hadn't given much thought to before: QUIET you with His love.

Daughter
I heard God call me daughter. He first reminded me He is my Father. He is my Daddy and He cares for me, just like I care for Ethan, the little baby I was nursing at that very moment. This is huge! How often I let this identity statement just go in one ear and out of the other, but lately I have been struggling with worth and identity. Being a stay at home mom is wonderful, but oh so hard and exhausting at times. I struggle to get dressed most days and as someone who is super type- A and takes joy in checking of her to-do list, the newborn days are a huge struggle. It is good to be reminded that my relationship with God is not dependent upon what I do or don't do on any given day, but simply on His Son, and since I have trusted in Him for salvation I, too am His child.

Self-Soothe
So when it comes to raising babies, most books will tell parents that they must give their babies an opportunity to "self-soothe" (i.e. cry to sleep?! Okay, honestly I have never quite figured out what people mean when they say this but let's just say I am on my third kid and none of mine have been able to self-soothe at a young age. Maybe because mine haven't been able to find their thumbs that young or because two haven't taken pacifiers, but I'm not quite sure how leaving a newborn baby swaddled on their back in a crib is teaching them anything other than to cry, but no judgement here. It just hasn't worked well for me. Even if they wanted to self-soothe, how would they? They can't even move. I just haven't ever personally felt comfortable letting my little ones cry until they are a bit older and can actually more realistically self-soothe by rolling, reaching for a pacifier or their lovey, etc.) Anyways, when God spoke this I feel like He wanted me to know just like I don't like to leave Ethan to "self-soothe" or cry loudly for hours on end, He does not leave me to do so either. In my crying, my complaining and whining, He does not leave me. In my attempts to self-soothe with a bowl of ice-cream (except now I gave up dairy). scrolling instagram or watching a tv show at the end of the night, He does not leave me. And in fact, in all of my attempts, I am not even able to truly self-soothe (spiritually speaking) and neither are you. We weren't meant to do so.

Quiet
He wants to rush in and quiet me with His love, if only I will become aware that He is there, if only I listen to Him in His singing and don't get so wrapped up in my own little world of possibilities and what-ifs.  Notice it's His love that quiets us, not His glory or holiness or righteousness or any of the other qualities of his God-ness. If I am able to remember and truly believe not just in my head, but in my heart, that He LOVES me, I will stop my whining, my complaining, my worrying, my frenzy of fear and I will be still. I will rest in the arms of my loving Father, who is Sovereign and good and knows all and is alone worthy of all my trust and adoration and praise.

God was so kind to remind me of another Scripture:

"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the song of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me." Isaiah 49:15-16

I could never forget Ethan sitting there, nursing, but even more so God does not forget me. And He does not forget you.

One of the questions we were asked to answer in our exercise of listening to God (really it was just like having a conversation with a friend) was is there anything that is creating distance between you and Him. I have felt this distance for a long time, and confessed that to God and asked Him to show me the root of it. I used to read the Bible and journal daily, for at least a decade but since 2013 I have struggled to do so consistently. I came up with a long list of possibilities: marriage, motherhood, lack of sleep, distractions of social media, to-do lists, tutoring, etc. but He spoke one word: FEAR.

In 2013, two things happened: we lost our first baby (you can read about it here) and I found out I was born with a heart defect. Enter in FEAR. I have always struggled with worry and anxiety to some degree but with these two events the enemy rushed in and grabbed a foothold in my mind and my heart. I often fear that I will die soon or fear that something will happen to one of my babies. When I look back over my life, I get saddened by how often I let fear rule. I was fearful I would never get married, then fearful that God would take Bryan once we got married. I was fearful that we could never have children, and then when we lost Sam, I was fearful we would lose all of our babies. When I got pregnant each time I was so afraid it often robbed the joy- and during each pregnancy I was given more reason to fear (with Caleb I had a white spot on his ultrasound so they thought he may have cystic fibrosis, with David I had a hematoma so I couldn't do any heavy lifting, with Ethan I had low PAPP-A so we had to have weekly tests towards the end due to a greater chance of stillbirth). I get so upset with myself that even though I know God, I allow my joy to be robbed by fear. Lately I have heard so many heartbreaking stories of loss: a guy I worked with a summer camp tragically passed away leaving behind his wife and three young children, another friend's cousin lost their two year old in his sleep, another their wife, another their child to cancer. When I hear stories of such tragic loss or even watch them on television (house fire on This is Us....anyone else?), I cannot help but cry for hours on end if I let myself truly imagine what these people are going through. And then a little voice comes "what if that happens to you?" If I let it, fear runs rampant and makes me believe I am forgotten. The truth is HE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN US. Even if the worst happens, He still has not forgotten us. See in the moments when our prayer isn't answered the way we hope, it is so easy to think, "well He must have forgotten me....He healed that other person, or He gave them the gift of marriage, or health or a child"...or whatever it is that your heart desires most. But, He is God and we are not and He can see the whole picture and we only get a pinhole. I cannot self-soothe, or be self-sufficient and prevent anything bad or unwanted from happening to anyone I love. I cannot prevent my boys from experiencing pain, and I cannot explain why any of these tragic things happen. But I can say no to fear and say yes to faith in the midst of any trial. That is our choice. We can forget fear when we realize He has not forgotten us. In the Zephaniah 3, verse 16, the verse before the Scripture above, it says "fear not...let not your hands grow weak". This fear is the same fear used in Genesis 3 when Adam and Eve were afraid because they had not obeyed God and they hid from Him.

Fear leads to hiding. It leads to distancing ourselves from our Father. Faith leads to running into His arms (Hebrews 12:1-2).

We lost my Maw Maw a few months ago, and sometimes I still want to call her or bring the boys by to see her, and then I remember she isn't here anymore. Death is so final- this separation from the ones we love so much so hard. But for those in Christ, we know death is not truly final. It is actually the beginning of our most real life. Do you know Him? Like really know Him, like a friend? Read His Word. Ask Him to speak to you.

I recently heard a beautiful analogy on the God Centered Mom podcast (highly recommend!): she used to work with kids who got their cochlear implant and she said her favorite thing was being in the room when the device was turned on for the first time. She said that the very first two things the parents wanted to communicate to their child was 1) that they loved them and 2) their name. Do you know God as your Father? He wants you to know that 1) He loves you (John 3:16) and 2) He knows your name (Isaiah 43:1).

None of us knows the number of days we have left on this earth.

For now we know only in part....but one day we will know more fully. Here's to asking God to free me from my fear, to remembering He has not forgotten me and to running with faith the race set before me (not perfectly, but with my eyes on Him).

If you have time, you should check out this great song with rich lyrics..."your plan is still to prosper, you have not forgotten us, you are with us in the fire and the flood....you are sovereign over us"

FORGET FEAR. FREED BY FAITH